WTF….

Well crap.

I started this blog over 3 years ago. Its ridiculous really. I thought about going back and deleting the old posts but decided not to. As a reminder, to myself, maybe. Because, they are well written and truthful except that I did nothing to follow through with them. Its funny if you look at the dates of all the posts they are all around the same time of year. It seems that between February and March/April every year I decide I HAVE to do something about my health/weight and happiness and then BAM just like that NOTHING happens. Life happens, I forget about my resolve. I get feeling defeated. I tell myself (Update: Nope it’s my Alien telling me these things) there is always tomorrow. And here I am. 3 years from the first blog post and I weigh more now than I did then. It’s funny reading back on my old posts. I sound determined. And I am, in that moment.

I just bought myself a Fitbit from Amazon. Just the most basic one. It seemed like a good deal and when I was purchasing it I noticed it came with a 1 year free Fitbit Premium membership for the app. “PERFECT!” I thought, “I will follow all the modules and do all the things it suggests over the next year and improve my health”. I am 3 days in and I haven’t done any of the things yet except wear the damn Fitbit. I logged 3, 836 steps yesterday. I know 10 000 is the goal. I didn’t even try. I probably could have gotten close had I gone for a walk. I had opportunity. I also ate a bacon cheeseburger with onion rings. I know that is not conducive to my goal. So, WTF is wrong with me (Update : read here about how its the Alien on my shoulder that is wrong!)?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, this morning. I haven’t committed to my goal. EVER. I say I want to do it. I write about wanting to do it. I say I am going to do it. I even do something about it for an hour or two, a day or two sometimes. Truth is, I never fully commit in my heart. I always find ways to distract myself from it. Those distractions are always outside myself. Plan a fundraiser for this or that, volunteer for this or that, take on a job, buy everything I need for a new hobby, read everything I can about said hobby, complete a few projects for that hobby and move on to the next thing. I need to STOP distracting myself. I need to focus on myself and commit to my goal. Netflix, Facebook, Instagram DISTRACTIONS. Sign making, signing up for direct sales companies – DISTRACTIONS, looking after other people’s kids – DISTRACTION. Why do I distract myself? It hurts to think about the failures. It’s easier to ignore the problem and therefore the solution.

So…. what to do? What to do? I need to commit. Fully, completely. That means doing the work. That means eliminating distractions. Every minute of every day, every action, every thought has to have SOMETHING to do with achieving my goal of health and happiness. I need a vision board. I need to surround myself with reminders until its second nature. I need to think about it when I wake and when I fall asleep. I need to do the hard things. I need to be selfish – I need to EMBRACE being selfish for just a little while. (update: Self-care is NOT selfish). So, I am going to go get myself a drink of water, log in my Fitbit app that I had leftover chicken stew for breakfast (weird-o) and figure out a vision board and a routine that will be meaningful to me and keep moving me forward toward the goal.

I might even go for a walk in the rain!


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