Clearly I have.
I have been struggling so hard. My weight is constantly on my mind and making me feel so terrible, yet it isn’t changing. If it does change it isn’t in the right direction. I’ve read quotes that say things like “If you really want something you will do it, if you don’t you’ll make excuses” blah blah blah. It sounds true. But I do want to feel healthier and get off the struggle bus. More then I could ever express. Yet, something is stopping me. I wish I could pinpoint what it is. Anyway, things have gotten worse. This week I inadvertently discovered some flirty Facebook messages between my husband and another woman. It was like a sword right through my gut. They didn’t go too far. If he wasn’t married, I would even say they were harmless enough. I thought he had more integrity, I did not think he would ever initiate anything like that, I thought he was more committed to our family.
Here is the thing.
My husband put some distance between us when I was pregnant, 14 years ago. He did not deal with the changes to my body. It was subtle, but I noticed. I am not even sure I can describe it…. he spent more time in the basement on the computer… he stopped telling me I was pretty…. he stopped initiating physical intimacy. Over the years it got worse. An emotional disconnect. My weight isn’t his fault…. but I feel like if he’d leaned in to our relationship (if I felt loved, and worthy, and good enough) it would have been easier to lose the weight…. but he leaned out further and further and my weight got higher and higher (and I felt lonely, not worthy, not good enough and even completely dependent).
I think I eat my loneliness away maybe?
Wow. This level of vulnerability is tough.
Anyway, I have not confronted him about the messages yet. Thing is those messages have ignited a little flame in me. I am angry and I am hurt and I am incredibly disappointed in his lack of integrity and I am not sure what outcome I am hoping for. I know I deserve to be loved and cherished. I know I don’t deserve to be lonely and fighting with computer games for his attention. I don’t know if we can mend 14 years of deterioration. But I do think that waiting until I feel stronger and more confident to confront the issues is the smart way forward.
So, I am in the rain looking for a rainbow. It is time I start living my best life on my own, within our marriage (for now, at least). So, I came across this article on Lifehack : https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-reasons-true-yourself.html. I LOVE the question it poses: What would you do if you felt you were enough?
I have spent so long feeling like I am not enough, that I have no idea what I would do if I felt like I was enough. I have spent my life letting life happen to me – its time to live with purpose. Now it is time for me to figure out what that purpose is. For now, my purpose is finding my purpose. Figuring out what I love to do and doing those things. Maybe, just maybe if I can start living my best life, I won’t eat my loneliness anymore.
Anyway, I know I love to write. And writing from a vulnerable place, being honest and not pretending everything is good is authentic and kind of empowering. So I am. It’s a little scary but exciting too…. like a good thunderstorm! On my way to “FIERCE”.