Onward and Upwards, as they say

Well. That was a ride.
I hadn’t posted about what has been going on lately. Well, technically I haven’t posted lately at all. But shit has been going down. So, I was running for town council in the most recent election. It was out of my comfort zone, it required me to push my boundaries. I didn’t win. I did quite well, really. But I lost. I am tired of losing all of the time. I know it sounds like self pity. And maybe it is a little bit. But it also feels like I am on the cusp of change. A cross roads maybe? Things aren’t working for me. Despite all my previous posts, the truth is that I have no idea how to make the changes I need to make. I don’t even know if I know WHAT changes I need to make, just that something needs to change. What hurt the most about the loss last night is neither my daughter or my husband told me that regardless of the loss, they were proud of me. That is incredibly painful. I am proud of me. That should be enough. It’s not. It makes me feel lonely and isolated. Which is weird because they were supportive all the way through. Probably the most supportive my husband has ever been of me. I lost and it’s gone, like trying to cup water in my hand with fingers spread. I have no idea what is next for me. I do know that I want it to be intentional. I want to be the driver and the navigator. Its time to control life and not be a passive passenger.

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